Monday, 17 December 2012

Journeys in and around a wedding

Hmmm, so its about time I finally contributed to this online scrapbook of thoughts and what-nots about weddings and the whole process. Just so we're clear, the bride is quite cool and i am in no way doing this under duress. I also do not have a gun pointed to my head and no, that is not rat poison about to be dumped into my meal. (but i am however blinking twice, i hope someone out there knows Morse code) 

So given that this has taken a while to write/come up with, I just need to point out what I was told the remit of my post would not be about. I was warned, quite categorically, that the blog would not be about the following: 

1. Why Mancini is the most overrated coach and how he would not improve a Stoke side 
2. My contention that Vettel is not as good a driver as his 3 world titles may suggest (F1 is not as simple as who won, there is alot of stuff behind the scenes) 
3. Why Kobe needs to retire, Yeah i Said it. 

What this post will be about though is a number of quirks and oddities that I have noticed about both the Martian and Venutian races and a few tips about the wedding planning process. 

a) Maybe, just maybe, there are more than the 7 colours in the rainbow or the 12 colours that came in my colouring set when I was a kid. How else would you explain 17 different names for the colour blue? 
I've never understood and i'll probably never understand that. All blues look the same and if doesn't look blue, its probably cos its another colour altogether? 

b) Never, and I repeat, never, go to a cake tasting session hungry. Your stomach will overpower your mind and proceed to play the tricks (that your mind is supposed to play on you) on you. Consequently, everything will taste the same, albeit the nice filling type of "same". 

I was in a room with 4 ladies tasting cakes. This is how the conversation went 
Lady 1: Wow, this cake is so nice and tangy 
Lady 2: I want to taste that cake again just so I can enjoy the flavour 
Lady 3: I know, right? Gosh, its so awesome 
Me: Umm, this nice and all but wapi chai? 

And they tried to convince me that cakes 1, 2 and 3 were different. 

Of course I didn't say it then but in my head, my only thought was, I wish the chai or the soda would get here already. Cake bila beverage? Kwani I'm in a warzone? Jeez 

c) HR Managers the world over should hire more men because we manage our time better. 
Before I'm hauled up in front of FIDA on some trumped up charges, sample this: The gacugwa's wedding gown has been in production since November. My suit, ummmm, that's a 5minute conversation and maybe 10 minutes for the tailor to adjust my pants length.....I'm just saying. 

d) Fighting is important. I know this sounds counter-intuitive but let's be honest, the divorce rate in Kenya is going up. And these are marriages less than 5 years old. Now people will break up for one reason or another but the wedding planning process is the perfect microcosm of a few of the big fights you will have 

e.g Budgets (duh), 
how many kids should you have (how many guests should you invite?)
When should you have aforementioned kids? (When should this fancy lunch when we shall host all these guests (read wedding) be held? 

The typical scenario is that the guy just signs cheques and avoids the details but as the old saying goes, The Devil is in the detail, so if you don't take time to tackle the various manifestations of the Devil during the planning...... 

e) That said, the groom needs to accept that he's just a nice warm blooded prop (yeah, I just dissed Twilight, kula hiyo) meant to look nice in attire that shall complement the brides' colors for the day. 
Other requirements of aforementioned prop: Smile alot, Dance (at the risk of death upon any non-compliance) and post the odd blog here and there about how other props should smile and dance :) 

f) The groom should pay attention when the wedding colors are being discussed, cos if they don't, any attempt to ask AGAIN what the wedding colors are, shall be treated as an Act of War. And how bad an act of war? Well, let's just say it will make Japan bombing Pearl Harbour look like a playground fight. But if someone wants to take the bullet for this kind-hearted, gem of a man, please ask for me, what are the wedding colours? 

g) No man is an island (umesikia Martha Karua?). Really. A wedding is a test of not only mental fortitude but also your networks, because ultimately, you will need help. And it doesn't matter if you believe you bestride the earth like a colossus, try doing this on your own and you're building yourself up to a ......COLOSSAL disaster. (I think i'm really funny and clever in my head, as you can tell). 

h) If you're a guy about to get married, pick your groomsmen wisely. This is one of those decisions that you can't really take back and they can make/break your friendships. I won't go into detail on this right now, maybe in the distant future. 

So the short of the long, I think Man United will retain the league this season cos we have Fergie, simple as that. Also, I hope we draw Celtic in the last 16 ties in the Champions league draw going down this Thursday. :) 

More seriously though, when you're planning this one off event, talk and fight and get to know one another. That's the only advice any rational human being (you see what I did there?) can do, oh And for crying out loud, enjoy the process :)